I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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