i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize