drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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