I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
