I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
