the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
