It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
