Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
