god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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