My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize