the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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