Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
