sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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