Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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