Small penises have feelings too.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
