Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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