So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
My breasts were aching with rage.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
