I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I need help removing her.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
