Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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