I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
