i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
