Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
