It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize