It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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