He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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