I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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