I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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