If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
