You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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