Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize