apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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