Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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