Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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