I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize