so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Randomize