he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
