Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
