Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
