how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
