we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
