Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
