You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
