Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
