Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize