Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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