are you still at the devil's house?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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