I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
