She went from zero to smokin in five shots
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
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