There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
it was like eating out sand paper
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Randomize
