I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
