i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
