Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
