This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
