It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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