kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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